Thursday, August 12, 2010

Morning terror

I've never been more scared in my entire life. I was sure Squeaky was dead. I can't even write it without a paralyzing fear staying my fingers and tearing my breath from me.

It was the longest three and a half seconds in the history of time.

We were both asleep in my bed, her dad having left for work about 45 minutes earlier. I was tired - so, so tired - and as it was, delighted that she went back to sleep after her first morning feed. (I was far too tired to act delighted, so I expressed my gratitude by going back to sleep myself.)

Something started me awake. Without my glasses, a fold of the blanket appeared to be covering Squeaky's head. I snatched it away, realizing quite quickly the cover only came up to her waist. Sigh of relief. But my frantic grab didn't disturb Squeaky, so I put my hand lightly on her chest to feel her breathing. (I've done this before, like all new moms, though never with a trace of fear).  I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't hear a breath.

"Squeaky!" I said. "Squeaky!"

Her head rolled to one side. Movement. Still no breath that I could detect. Then it came, so gently, so quietly. It had been there all along, but in my sleepy haze I didn't register the tiny currents of air filling her lungs.

Going back to sleep was out of the question. She's beside me now, still sleeping, still breathing - the most beautiful breaths in the world. I'm asking Dr. Internet about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, about losing a child, about overzealous parents.

I've checked her breathing before, in her crib, in her car seat. But this - this was different. The terror was real. The aftershock worse - I imagined having to pick up the phone and call Man, my parents, an ambulance. I imagined, later, how I would dissect our final day, and if it would have been a good day, and how I would forever blame myself. I tried to make myself carry her to her crib, but I was feeling too much and I wanted her close to me. So I sat up and stared at her, counting her breaths, watching her little chest rise and fall. Talking myself back from the brink of self doubt and self hate.

It was the longest three and a half seconds in the history of time.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Getting fit

My plan to Get Fit And Eat Right is coming along..  much as before, I do GREAT one day, and totally and completely fall off the wagon the next. For example, today I bough Ah caramel treats. I've NEVER bought them before in my life, but it's as if all the willpower has been sucked right out of me.

Exercise is better. I get moving every day, and I've had a couple of really long walks. I'm not being too hard on myself, 3 months postpartum that I am, but  I really could stand to get moving a little more frequently.

Like now, for example: Squeaky is asleep. I should close my laptop and pop in a yoga video. Perhaps I will.

I'll let you know how it turns out.